Why I’m having a beer on a Monday night.

June 13, 2016 1 comment

buddha

I am sad. For many reasons, but I will tell you the underlying theme.

As you’re likely aware, too many people were gunned down in Orlando. In this case, it was members of the gay community. And that’s deplorable. It’s actually something that I fear happening when I’m in the gay community although I normally envision a bomb, not a shooter.

But that’s not the only reason I’m sad.

There are always deaths. There are always murderous nut cases that create similar scenes. The Montreal Massacre, Columbine, Sandy Hook, Paris, Beirut, the Boston Marathon, and let’s put the mother of all oppressive killing sprees, the Holocaust, in here too. I’m barely scraping the surface.

Whether it’s terrorism, bad gun laws, misogyny, racism, this-ism, that-ism, it’s someone taking extreme measures and ultimately thinking it’s worth their own life to mow down the perceived usurpers of their entitlement.

The aftermath is the worst part. Because in the advent of Orlando, there are the ‘righteous’ few actually videotaping themselves telling the world that it was a good thing – yay for ridding the world of the pedophiles, the deviants, the sodomites! And some who are ok with the gays jump on the anti-Islam train and curse the non-christian ‘other’! There’s always someone to hate. And these members of oppressive, unenlightened society are becoming so confident in their bigotry that they are loudly banding together to express their hate – one is poised to become president of the United States, and sadly, he’s not the worst one out there.

This is soul crushing. Not because I’m gay but because I’m human. You are too. We are the same. Only I am sad and you are angry.

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Get the rocking chair ready

May 29, 2015 1 comment

On Wednesday night the wife was in school so I was on my own for dinner. I decided to have leftover soup. You see, on the weekend I had made a delightful soup by roasting potatoes and sweet potatoes with olive oil, salt and pepper then blending them with collard greens, onions and garlic. It was YUMMY. Even the wife liked it. 

Unfortunately, when I looked in the fridge, there was none to be had. So I had something else. 

Yesterday, my beautiful wife was doing dishes (I had made spaghetti) and she went to the cupboard to get a container for the leftovers, lo and behold she found two neatly stowed containers of soup. 

Apparently I’m at the age where I’m putting perishable food in a cupboard. 

On a positive note, I lost my sunglasses a few weeks ago but now I suspect they are in the fridge. 

A water engineer babysits toddlers…

April 15, 2015 Leave a comment

My water bill came in. During the last billing period, we used 66 L/day more than we have ever used in the past. Over the 95 day billing period, that’s 6,270 L of water!

 

It would take two of these trucks to hold all the water my nephews consumed in 8 days. These trucks weigh 12.5 tonnes each. My nephews weigh less than 100 lbs combined. I’m going to start bringing them to fires.

 

At first I thought that there must be a leak. I checked the meter, no leak. Perhaps the volume was estimated? Nope, it was an actual read. Maybe they underestimated the previous period so this period was compensating? No.

Then I pondered what was different during this billing period… the nephews! We had the wife’s nephews over twice during that billing period for 4 days each time. I had to figure out how two wee toddlers could consume 6,000+ L of water:

  • I did 4 extra loads of laundry = 175 L x 4 = 700L
  • We didn’t have spare sippy cups etc so hand washing/rinsing those, rinsing toothbrushes and other running water tasks = 10 L / minute x 5 min/day x 8 days = 400 L
  • Input: They drank maybe 5 servings of water per kid per day = 250 mL x 5 x 2 x 8 = 20 L
  • Output: One toddler is toilet trained resulting in 6 L / flush x 8 flushes / day x 8 days = 384 L

At this point in the tally, we accounted for 1,504 L. That just left bathing. My wife was in charge of baths and she was looking pretty guilty. As it turns out, she bathed them twice a day at full volume. A standard tub can hold about 250 L so even assuming she only filled it to 225 L x 2 baths / day x 8 days = 3,600 L.

Now the total is 5,104 L. I still have over 1,000 L of water still unaccounted for. I suspect they are selling it to my neighbours while I’m at work. The guy across the road has been washing his truck a lot lately.

My wife is no longer in charge of baths. And the older child is going back in diapers.

Wholesome eating… with cheese

March 28, 2015 1 comment

My boss suggested that I try Ezekial 4:9. Ezekial 4:9 says “Take thou unto thee wheat and barley and beans and lentils and millet and fitches and put them in one vessel and make thee bread thereof according to the number of the days that thou shalt lie upon thy side, three hundred and ninety days shalt thou eat thereof and then take thee a really big breath unto yourself as this sentence runneth over.”

It’s a bible verse and it’s bread.

In addition to being a bible verse, it’s also a bread. It’s apparently a very healthy bread – Eric and Barb, I’m looking to you to confirm. It must be refrigerated. The bread, not the bible, that is. And I’m not sure but I think eating this bread is like going to church so I’m covered there too. My grandmother will be so happy.

As I didn’t have any fitches handy, I made a recipe suggested by Mama Earth. Mama Earth delivers fresh, organic produce to our front door once a week. And although Mama Earth is a company whose employees do the delivery, I like to think that these employees are more like the mice and birds who dress Cinderella for the ball. And hopefully the big raccoon who has been lurking in our backyard.

Anyway, Mama Earth provided a recipe for Pear and Bacon Grilled Cheese with our last delivery. It has pear, bacon, cheese and jam all grilled into gooey perfection. In butter.

Still healthy? I didn’t use the bacon. And I had leftover pear, so I ate that too.

Trick or Treat?

February 23, 2015 Leave a comment

My wife and I went to see ‘Cannibal, the musical’ on Yonge Street Saturday afternoon. Then we had a drink and a snack at a nearby pub.

Just before we were ready to leave, my wife made a quick trip to the ladies room.

Apparently, she entered a stall and just before she sat down, she noticed a $10 bill floating in the toilet. The toilet was clean, nothing in it but water and $10. Her first thought was, ‘Am I on tv?’

So she struggled with what to do. Was it a prank or a test? Would she end up on YouTube? It was quite the conundrum.

What would you have done?

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Categories: Uncategorized

Footprints…

October 4, 2014 Leave a comment

footprints-in-the-sandThe wife and I went down to the Waterfront Trail for a run. As the wife is considerably better at running, she took off like a jack rabbit and I followed along at a slower pace.

When I reached the end of the path, I checked my pocket for my keys. I am paranoid about losing the car keys when I run so I check them often. Today was doubly important because they were in that little money pocket in the liner that really only holds quarters, nickels and maybe a USB key. At the end of the path, the keys were in my pocket.

When I got back to the start of the path I decided I had enough for the day and walked to the car to wait for the wife and to fix the damage that installing iOS8 did to my running app playlist (don’t ask).

The keys were not in my pocket.

So I did what any logical person would do, I went back along my running path to see where I dropped them. I asked every dog walker and passerby if they had seen them. No luck. I made it all the way back to end of the path where I last checked them only to come up empty.

I stopped and pondered. I walked a few more steps. And then I noticed that my now highly attuned flight-or-fight reflexes (the same one you get when you think you’ve lost your wallet) were sensing a jingle in my walk…

I looked in my shorts and there were my keys nestled in the liner. Hooray!

It was then that I realized that unlike the Jesus that carries you when you hit hard times along the path, apparently my Jesus hides my keys in my shorts so that I do twice as much running as I want to do. My Jesus moonlights as a physical trainer.

This also explains why I can’t find one of our telephones, apparently I’m not doing enough stairs.

[Aside: I Googled “Jesus is my running coach” to find an appropriate image and Google responded with a picture of Rob Ford. Religion is very confusing.]

Two out of four ain’t bad

July 19, 2014 Leave a comment

As you know, the wife and I went vegetarian in January. Although summer has brought the added challenge of smelling delicious BBQ every time we go outdoors, we have been doing ok. We just tell ourselves that the delicious smells coming from the BBQ are broccoli skewers dipped in sauce.

Also, our friend Dan cooked up some delicious portabella mushrooms that tasted just like steak! It was some kind of food magic.

Unfortunately, some tummy issues I have been having seem to be pointing toward lactose intolerance. This is a problem. Here is an example of my meals prior to this discovery:

Breakfast – Coffee double double and oatmeal with Greek yoghurt.

Lunch – Something with cheese.

Supper – Something else with cheese.

When you add lactose intolerance to that, your grocery list becomes severely limited. We were buying kitty litter, breakfast pitas and tic tacs. When I mentioned this on my facebook feed, a number of helpful friends offered some tips with the most obvious one being “learn to cook”.

Instead we went to Whole Foods, which sounds healthy but upon closer examination, seems to be the repository of every kind of food substitute in the universe. If there are four food groups (dairy, fruits & veggies, meat, breads), they have substitutes for three of the four.

We decided to try the following item: Even the wife, who is NOT lactose intolerant and can have any cheesy item without repercussion, tried it.

“Mozzarella Flavoured” should have been our clue.

 

Satan does not have words for it. If you’ve ever heard the expression “there’s a party in my mouth”, this was the “there’s a vomit stained, spilled beer on the shag rug, tiger in the living room party aftermath in my mouth”. And that aftermath lasted 14 hours despite brushing three times and gargling with industrial strength mouth wash.

In light of the Tofurky cheese pizza fail, we also threw out the Tofurky fake pepperoni version of the pizza. That would likely become “there’s a nuclear apocalypse in my mouth”. I’m too old for these risks.

Instead I stocked up on Lactaid.