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Archive for the ‘Dating Life Before the Wife (aka “the Dark Ages”)’ Category

A blog for the DS (but you can read it too)

May 29, 2008 Leave a comment
 
Background for anyone who isn’t the DS:
 
During one of the DS’s many moves last year, we went to Canadian Tire to pick up some rubbermaid bins. She had looked through the flyer and they were on sale there. Great! Good shopping. (What else would you expect from a femme?) Also in the flyer was a Mastercraft 5 piece locking plier set. It was regular $39.99 and now on for $9.99. She REALLY wanted to buy them. I did not think she needed them.
 
In the store, we put a bunch of bins in a cart and proceeded to the checkout. On the way, we passed a pile of plier sets. The DS wanted to buy them. I did not. We debated this purchase extensively. I put my foot down. "No – you do not need these."
 
We bought our bins and went to her place.
 
Upon unpacking, I found a Mastercraft 5 piece locking plier set. She had put them in a bin and I hadn’t noticed. Which also meant we hadn’t paid for them. Ugh.
 
So of course, the femme got her way. No surprise really. Then we broke up (not right away though, nor was it a result of this incident).
 
Anyway, on Tuesday, I went to a training course to certify me in BW Defender (air monitor) operation and maintenance. This is a one day course I needed to take for work. After we wrote the exam, all attendees got a "door prize".
 
Mine was the Mastercraft 5 piece locking plier set.

This may kill me.

April 17, 2008 Leave a comment
 
I went out to dinner with my friend, J. I dated J for 30 seconds about 5 years ago. We have been friends ever since.
 
J had a breakup about a year ago and has since recovered beautifully. She is now dating a butch she really loves and is trying to ensure that I, too, find someone equally amazing – only in a femme version. I have been telling her that I have exhausted the Toronto pool of femmes and there are none left. She insists I haven’t. I have been telling her there are no sane women. She insists there are.
 
J believes (and J&C will likely agree… as will Stella probably) that I just don’t have a good enough screening process. Consequently, J has volunteered to screen women for me. She insists she will find me the perfect woman by the end of the summer. I’ll take that bet. Now she is actively recruiting femmes on my behalf. I just have to promise to go on a date with the ones she sends to me. This could be very interesting. But I don’t think she’ll be successful finding me someone.
 
But if she is, I’m hiring her to recruit technicians for me too.

The Oprah List

April 12, 2008 1 comment
 
In an Oprah magazine I read a couple of months ago, they had a story about a woman who made a list of 100 things she wanted in her ‘soul mate’. Then a couple of years later, she met a guy and he turned out to have 98 of those 100 traits.
 
As I am single, I decided to make this list of 100 things I want my partner to be in a perfect world. It’s harder than it looks by the way. And I don’t NEED all the things in that list, but if the universe is going to give me EXACTLY what I want, I want all 100 of those things.
 
Then I looked at the list to see how well my last two relationships fit that list. One had 53 of the items and one had 62. I’m not saying which is which. If I combined my two exgfs (something I’ve always mentioned wanting to do), the combined woman would have 85 of the items.
 
So I’ve decided I need to find a woman that has the remaining 15 items then have a three-woman harem. That’s my long term dating plan. I figure it took me 10 years to find 85% of the harem so I should be able to achieve my 100% version in 1 year, 9 months and 18 days.

Opinions?

August 23, 2007 1 comment
 
As many of you know, since I moved to Toronto I have been trying to find more friends. Friends like Andrew and J&C who I had in Edmonton. I saw them at least once week and it didn’t even have to be to do anything – we could just chat or watch TV.
 
Most of my friends here in Toronto are exgirlfriends, which is fine, but they aren’t as available as Andrew and J&C.
 
So I’ve been trying to find queer women to hang out with and whom I haven’t dated. It’s harder than it sounds. I’ve been trying for probably 4 years.
 
Anyway, about a month ago, I was exchanging emails with a woman from Halifax. I didn’t think she’d be a close friend I could watch TV with (because she’s in Halifax), but she was very intelligent, wrote entertaining emails and we seemed to have an easy and interesting email exchange going. The whole time I was perfectly clear that I was only looking for something platonic.
 
Things were going well and I was enjoying our email exchanges until she mentioned that she had "a bunch of dogs and a cat". I replied something flippantly that essentially stated that I was the worst lesbian ever because I hated dogs. And then I added that I did experience pug love in the park the other day (with Doug & Darcy – the two adorable pugs you may have seen in the village with their gay boy owners – oddly I don’t know the owners’ names). I love pugs.
 
She replied that she was having difficulty with the fact I hated dogs, and eventually admitted that despite the distance between us and my complicated arrangement with the DS, she was hoping to date me. And apparently because she couldn’t date me and because I am not a dog lover, I have not heard back from her since.
 
I’ve asked people what they thought of this. I can see dog lovers not wanting to date me. but J&C have five or six (or are they up to seven) dogs and they value my friendship. A few people have responded with "well, hate is a strong word and they are likely fearing you abuse dogs".
 
You know, that’s probably true and valid and you can bet I’ll never use "hate" again. However, I will also assert this: I bet if I had said "I hate snakes", no one would care. That’s giving dogs preferential treatment and is discriminatory against other critters of the world.
 
Additionally, I’m willing to bet that if I said that I hate cats, that wouldn’t have caused huge problems either. There are several people in the world who are avowed cat haters. Somehow, it’s ok to hate the ‘aloof’ creature that is cat but not to hate the dopey simpleton that is dog.
 
Beh.

The simple truth.

November 28, 2006 1 comment
 
I was discussing online dating with a co-worker today. She recently got married and hopefully will never have to worry about such things again. Her summary of what she learned from online dating:
 
Everybody has one good picture.
 
Sigh. It’s so true.

It’s a lesbian conspiracy.

November 26, 2006 Leave a comment
 
As mentioned in my previous blog, I hate dogs. I hate the way they smell, I hate that they require more maintenance than a seven year old child, I hate that you have to physically pick up their waste product and I hate that if you don’t, they ruin your lawn. I also hate the hair, the sad look in their eyes when you don’t let them eat what you’re eating and I generally don’t find dogs terribly cute. Except pugs of course, but they have the shedding problem times twenty.
 
Then add in dog people. They are lovely people but they want the dog sleeping in the bed, they let the dog lick them and some have gone so far as to let them lick remnants of dinner off the people plates. Now I’ve seen places dogs lick and seen things that dogs eat and that truly hits my ‘EW’ button.
 
So although I’m ok with being friends with dog people, I don’t think I should marry one. And it’s not a judgement – some of my best friends are dog people, but just like some people think I’m too uptight to live with, I think dogs are too icky to live with.
 
In my dating life, I have struggled to find women who don’t have or want a dog. When I was online posting personal ads, it got to the point where I specifically stated my dog aversion and that I was looking for someone who was dog free. I could find no one.
 
When I started dating the DS, she had a dog. A big bruiser named Diesel. I didn’t worry about it because there was no chance of us living together in the near future and big dogs die younger. She did eventually give it to an elderly lady whose previous dog died. The DS was moving to a small apartment, she was working longer hours and had less time for proper dog maintenance. The little old lady had nothing but space and time and love to offer Diesel. Good deal all around.
 
The DS then stated that she liked walking the dog in the morning, but hated the hair and smell. I also believe she stated that she wouldn’t get another dog, but perhaps she would like to get a cat or two someday. Perfect. I love cats. And if she finds she really misses walking a dog, she can take me for walks in the morning. It’s win-win.
 
On the weekend, the DS was cooking me dinner (oh and yes, she used the oven so I owe her $10) and during this dinner she says to me, "some day, I’m getting a dog". So I say, "some day, aren’t you living with me?" She replies, "yes, and I’m getting a dog."
 
I’m not impressed. Granted, IF this cohabitation happens, it won’t be for a while but still, WHAT PART OF ‘I DON’T WANT TO LIVE WITH A DOG’ don’t people understand. Damned dog-loving lesbians. My only hope is if I can convince her to get a hypo-allergenic cat. I’m working on it.
 
And if I do end up dating someone else in the future, I’m telling her I’m deathly allergic to dogs. Even to those little hairless, yippy dogs.

Women take a lot of time.

October 9, 2006 Leave a comment
On Saturday, I was scheduled to meet a female friend at 10 am for brunch. This friend did not show up at the restaurant until 10:40 am so I sat waiting at the table, looking like I’d been jilted for a very long time. I hadn’t brought a book and waiting really pisses me off. Refer to my likes/dislikes list at the side for support of this.
 
After brunch, I was to pick up Stella at her place. She knew I was going for brunch and would be done at noon at which point, I would be coming to her place. She called my cell phone at noon to ask if I was on my way. I said I was. She said she hadn’t showered yet. I told her she better shower then. I also knew that she would be expecting me in approximately 20 minutes, but that I would actually be later because there’s no way in hell she’ll be showered and ready in 20 minutes. She’s femme. I know this from experience so I know I should be a little later than expected.
 
So I get to Stella’s at 1 pm. That gave her a whole hour – forty minutes more than she was supposed to get. She answers the door in a towel (at least her hair was wet so she had showered already). She was not ready. She made me wait. And to add insult to injury, she made me take her dog out for his ‘business’ when she had a perfectly good girlfriend sitting in the living room who could have done it. And I do think that it’s the current gf’s responsibility to care for her dog, not mine (the exgf who never liked the dog in the first place).
 
Next time, I’m not picking her up – she can take the damned streetcar.
 
After hanging with Stella, I go to the DS’s place. We hang out. The next morning, we are scheduled to go to Rattlesnake Point to hike and then to Chudleigh’s to pick our own apples. How very autumn-like.
 
This is how a femme dresses:
 
1. Put on bra, shirt and jeans. Walk around in jeans, obviously not happy with them, but not sure what to do about it. Walk around some more.
2. Take jeans off. Look for more jeans.
3. Put on shorts. These are not the right shorts for the shirt and another pair would be better but they are all packed for winter. (Who knew we’d have this last minute Indian Summer?)
4. Take off shirt. Take off bra. No wait, put bra back on. Take off shorts.
5. Put different shirt on.
6. Put different jeans on.
 
This is how a boi dresses:
 
1. What did I wear yesterday?
 
Then we hauled half her couch from outside to the basement. Well, almost to the basement. We hauled it into the front entrance, played with it for 25 minutes, took 15 minutes to take the door off the hinges, played with the couch for another 10 minutes, then said ‘screw it’ and put the couch in the garage. Then we put the door on the hinges and left.
 
By this time, we were so hungry (her from all the wardrobe decisions, me from watching) we had to go to Quiznos for the traditional thankgiving angus beef sub. And since it was thanksgiving, we also had a blizzard from DQ. We skipped hiking at Rattlesnake Point and got to Chudleigh’s half an hour after they closed. We went to my place, watched some ‘Flip This House’ and fell asleep at 9 pm.
 
Apparently waiting for femmes makes me tired.