Archive for April, 2008

God bless Alberta

April 30, 2008 Leave a comment
OK – it sucks that it’s cold and raining. But my mom made me a mondare sausage sandwich and my dad is bbqing some alberta prime rib tonight fir dinner (or "supper" as they like to call it here). Yeah baby.
(And yes, I’m technically on vacation and I’ve sent three work-related emails. It’s true.)

My kingdom for a femme!

April 29, 2008 1 comment
Ok – I thought I’d go buy some dress pants for my cousin’s wedding this weekend. I wore jeans (black, new) to my brother’s wedding with a black dress shirt and black silk tie. It was very monochromatic. My mother didn’t complain but it was my brother’s second wedding, it was in the afternoon (no evening reception) and held at the olympic park in Calgary.
My cousin’s wedding has a church and reception and many, many guests so I figured someone would protest me wearing jeans. Particularly my mother. So I went shopping after work.
Apparently buying a basic black pant in proper women’s fit it not easy. Then I decided on an ‘outfit’. I needed to buy a shirt (also in a women’s cut). I found the exact shirt I wanted at a trendy clothing store and the largest size they had was one size too small for me. This is where I needed a femme to just take me shopping. I really have no idea what I’m doing and am the mercy of the clerks.
Regular sizes are too small. Plus sizes are too large. And let me tell you – plus sizes are FAR girlier than the regular sizes. Must we make voluptuous women prissy? Practically everything is bedazzled or bejeweled or has flowers on it. And all the collars are open and quite plunging. I don’t have the cleavage to support that.
I shopped for over two hours looking for something that I knew exactly what I wanted and had seen it already – just not in the correct size.
And apparently, I’m also out of season. Plus sized women don’t wear long sleeved shirts in the spring.
This is why I wear jeans to a wedding. And to my cousin’s wedding on Saturday, I’m wearing a tshirt. But I’ll rip off the sleeves because I’m plus-sized and it’s spring.
Categories: Uncategorized

How much creative license do I get?

April 28, 2008 Leave a comment
My cousin, Mark, is getting married in Calgary this weekend. I am flying home for it.
Today he asked if I would do a reading at the church service. I pondered the fun I could have as a lesbian – I would pretend there was a force field around the altar that wouldn’t let me through, then touch the bible to open it and pretend that it burned me. And then I would speak in tongues. My mother would be appalled.
But it turns out I’m reading a poem. It rhymes. I’m having trouble with that. I asked Mark if he was married (pardon the pun) to the rhyme and if so, maybe we could go with something more now like something from Freddy Mercury. Imagine the impact of "thunderbolts of lightning, very very frightening". I could pull that off. It would rock.
Of course, there is always danger of the blasphemy of being a lesbian in a church reading something that reaks of gay camp. I told my cousin I’d wear something non-flammable in the case of divine retribution. He was fine with that. He also said he hoped I wouldn’t be struck by lightning but would bring marshmallows and hot dogs just in case.
<Aside: I used to be better behaved in churches but I personally blame the new pope. I’m sure it has something to do with him. Don’t even get me started on the sin of pollution. What about the sin of improper lane changes or taking two seats on the subway?! What about those sins?>
Categories: Family, LGBT

I suck at household chores – what kind of virgo am I?

April 21, 2008 Leave a comment
Hmm… it seems that starting the washer and putting clothes in it is not enough. You have to close the lid or your clothes will just end up marinating in the water.
Categories: Stupid Things I Do

Rear-ended by two dykes, but not in a good way.

April 21, 2008 Leave a comment
My flag twirling group had to go to Goderich Saturday night to be there for Sunday for a rehearsal. A portion of our routine was being choreographed by a dance instructor (who used to be in colour guard) at his dance studio. Goderich (pop. 8000) is on Lake Huron, is a 3hr drive from Toronto and has two sunsets. And a lot of people who have never seen gays before.
As I had to take 6 people and 15 pieces of equipment (ie: fags and flags), I could not drive my Nissan Versa. Rather than rent a vehicle, I swapped cars with a co-worker who owns a big Dodge Durango. Not only can it fit all of us and our gear, it has a DVD player for entertainment. Although, the DVD in it was "Rescue Rangers" as my co-worker has two kids under 10.
Friday after work, we did the swap. She got my zippy and easy to parallel park Versa, and I got her SUV, which although roomy, had the maneuverability of a small tank. And it costs $100 to fill. I don’t know how she does it with the salary my company pays.
Saturday, I had to drive on the Gardiner to get to the village where I had to pick up flag twirlers. I was motoring along when I noticed everyone in front of me was slamming on their brakes for no good reason. So I did too. The car behind me – not so much.
Luckily, I was in a tank and sustained no damage. The car that hit me was smooshed. Radiator fluid everywhere. We exchanged info, I called my co-worker to let her know what happened, I rendezvoused with my twirlers (and I was still on time – how virgo is that?).
The women who hit me were a very nice lesbian couple. I’m wondering if I should call them and ask if they want to be friends. They may know a cute, single femme…
And for the record, 6 hours of flag twirling is a lot of flag twirling. I can’t move today.
Categories: LGBT, ROTC

This may kill me.

April 17, 2008 Leave a comment
I went out to dinner with my friend, J. I dated J for 30 seconds about 5 years ago. We have been friends ever since.
J had a breakup about a year ago and has since recovered beautifully. She is now dating a butch she really loves and is trying to ensure that I, too, find someone equally amazing – only in a femme version. I have been telling her that I have exhausted the Toronto pool of femmes and there are none left. She insists I haven’t. I have been telling her there are no sane women. She insists there are.
J believes (and J&C will likely agree… as will Stella probably) that I just don’t have a good enough screening process. Consequently, J has volunteered to screen women for me. She insists she will find me the perfect woman by the end of the summer. I’ll take that bet. Now she is actively recruiting femmes on my behalf. I just have to promise to go on a date with the ones she sends to me. This could be very interesting. But I don’t think she’ll be successful finding me someone.
But if she is, I’m hiring her to recruit technicians for me too.

The worst part of my job.

April 15, 2008 Leave a comment
I just got back from Phoenix. It was 90 deg and sunny. This is not the bad part.
I had to go down and fire one of my technicians. I don’t like this part of my job – it sucks. And this guy was my biggest guy – probably 6’6" and 300 lbs. Also, he was exmilitary. It was kind of scary.
He took it well thankfully and said he expected it. Phew.
Then he said he was going home to hang out in his pool and drink a couple of beers. Would it have been in poor taste to ask if I could come too?
<Aside: I’m watching the finale of the Biggest Loser – can anyone tell me what the hell Bob’s wearing?! If America didn’t realize he was gay prior to this, they have to know now.>
Categories: Work