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Why I’m having a beer on a Monday night.

June 13, 2016 1 comment

buddha

I am sad. For many reasons, but I will tell you the underlying theme.

As you’re likely aware, too many people were gunned down in Orlando. In this case, it was members of the gay community. And that’s deplorable. It’s actually something that I fear happening when I’m in the gay community although I normally envision a bomb, not a shooter.

But that’s not the only reason I’m sad.

There are always deaths. There are always murderous nut cases that create similar scenes. The Montreal Massacre, Columbine, Sandy Hook, Paris, Beirut, the Boston Marathon, and let’s put the mother of all oppressive killing sprees, the Holocaust, in here too. I’m barely scraping the surface.

Whether it’s terrorism, bad gun laws, misogyny, racism, this-ism, that-ism, it’s someone taking extreme measures and ultimately thinking it’s worth their own life to mow down the perceived usurpers of their entitlement.

The aftermath is the worst part. Because in the advent of Orlando, there are the ‘righteous’ few actually videotaping themselves telling the world that it was a good thing – yay for ridding the world of the pedophiles, the deviants, the sodomites! And some who are ok with the gays jump on the anti-Islam train and curse the non-christian ‘other’! There’s always someone to hate. And these members of oppressive, unenlightened society are becoming so confident in their bigotry that they are loudly banding together to express their hate – one is poised to become president of the United States, and sadly, he’s not the worst one out there.

This is soul crushing. Not because I’m gay but because I’m human. You are too. We are the same. Only I am sad and you are angry.

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I offended Elvira Kurt

January 26, 2010 Leave a comment
I know I’m really behind in my blogging so I’m trying to catch up. I’ll write a blog every couple of days that I have time to catch up. Here’s one I should have written in September:
 
RY’s BFF had a big anniversary for her workplace, which was celebrating its 20th anniversary. For this event, she booked a conference type room for dinner and Elvira Kurt for the after dinner entertainment. For those of you who don’t know Canadian Queer commediennes, she is a Canadian Queer commedienne. She had her own show on the Comedy Network for a while.
 
Since we were friends with the organizer, we got to sit in the front table closest to the stage and talk to Elvira before her set. It was all going very well.
 
Then the unthinkable happened. About 5 minutes into her routine, my stomach decided it didn’t like the food it just ate and I had to race to the restroom. I ducked down as best as possible and ran out the door. You had to know that kind of thing is just asking for trouble.
 
After about 20 minutes, when my tummy settled, I came back into the conference room. I entered the back door thinking I’d just hang out in the back and if I had to leave again, I could escape without attracting any attention. That was an unfortunate miscalculation.
 
She saw me come in. She heckled me (which was totally expected). Unfortunately, she wouldn’t let me stand there. She made me come back up to my seat in the front. You can see where this is going. Yes, I had to leave again. But this time, I refused. I figured I’d wait until she turned her back to get a drink of water off her stool or just hold everything in. How hard could it be? Mind over body.
 
RY could hear my stomach gurgling and see me squirming in my seat. She kept telling me to go to the restroom. I stoutly refused to go. This continued for about 10 minutes.
 
Finally, I could take it no longer! I ran from the room apologizing as I went. She didn’t like my apology. RY said she was calling me rude. I heard nothing because I was sprinting.
 
I stayed away until RY came and rescued me from the restroom. Luckily, I had my work blackberry so I played Brick Attack until the show was over and I could return to my seat. And because I got such a reaction, no one else dared leave the room to pee so there was a large herd of people coming toward the restroom as I left it. They all were very nice and asked how I was feeling. I was feeling much better thank you very much.
 
And when I got back, Elvira profusely apologized for giving me such a hard time and seemed to feel quite badly about it all. I wondered where the change in attitude came from. Apparently, RY gave her some sass for heckling me when I was obviously ill. Apparently RY does a good guilt trip. She’ll make an excellent mother.
 
That was my brush with local celebrity. Could have been worse, I suppose. I could have vomited on her.
 
 
Categories: LGBT

The best gay question ever.

May 20, 2009 Leave a comment
As a lesbian, I get a lot of questions from straight society about being gay. I’m ok with all questions, even potentially embarrassing ones, as I’d rather dispel a myth than have someone wander around in ignorance.

The other day, co-worker A asked me a really awesome question. It was so incredibly logical that I wondered why no one had ever asked me before. And no one had. She asked if RY and I ever had problems figuring out whose socks were whose.

I love it. The best question ever!

And the answer (for those now wondering): No, we do not. RY has designer socks like Paul Frank and Calvin Klein and I have white sport socks, black sport socks, heather work socks and generic socks.

Categories: LGBT

Four Blogs!

July 30, 2008 Leave a comment
 
Blog 1: Change is bad.
 
I’m not sure what happened, but I seem to be short rubbermaid/ziploc/glad containers. I had bought a bunch for salads for work but I’m finding that they disappear – like the sock in the dryer phenomenon – although my socks have always been fine. Perhaps this is due to the sock monster taking my ziploc containers.
 
I figured I’d pick up more. No problem.
 
Problem. They don’t seem to make them in the same and/or shape of the ones I already have. So now I have more mismatched containers. ARG!
 
Those of you who know me, know I’m really annoyed by this. Sigh.
 
Blog 2: Elvis Festival!
 
On Saturday, Co-Worker A and I went to Collingwood for their annual Elvis Festival. It was very random and very fun. There were many Elvises – Old Elvis, Young Elvis, Jumpsuit Elvis. There was a bald Elvis. One Elvis didn’t look anything like Elvis – he had white hair and was wearing a normal suit – like a lounge singer would wear.
 
Sadly, I had forgotten my camera. Happily, RY let me borrow hers. Sadly, it was set to take pictures in black and white. I’ve attached a photo of Co-Worker A and I with one of the many Elvises. In black and white. Maybe you can print it and colour it yourself.
 
Blog 3: London Pride Parade.
 
We twirled in the London Pride Parade again. It was much the same as last year – proud gays and self-righteous protestors. The main difference this year was regarding the restroom facilities in the staging area.
 
Last year, while we were setting up, we were in a parking lot behind a gay club. The owners of the gay club let us use their restrooms. This year, we were in the same parking lot, but the gay club was closed. RY and I wandered from door to door, trying to get in and not succeeding. Finally, we were pointed to the back door of the building attached to the club.
 
The door was opened and we entered. Inside was a small vestibule with a ticket window on one side and a door on the other. The ticket window was empty, the door was locked. We rang the button and a nice gentleman appeared. When he saw us, he looked a little startled.
 
"We’re from the parade group – Can we use your restrooms?" I asked.
 
"Um…. "
 
"Last year, we used the restrooms next door but they were locked today," I added hopefully.
 
"I’ll go see if I can get you in next door," he said and left.
 
When he returned he said, "I’ll let you use our bathrooms if you promise not to be offended."
 
We both agreed to not be offended. It really takes a lot to offend us.
 
We were buzzed in. Apparently, it was a gentleman’s spa and there were maybe four guys at the bar (keep in mind it was noon) and one was sitting there in his underwear. We were so totally NOT offended. In fact, it was kind of cool.
 
We entered the restroom where there was one stall and two urinals. We took turns using the stall.
 
While I was washing my hands, one of the guys in the bar yelled, "Hey girls – what’s taking you so long?"
 
I yelled back, "you can come in if you promise not to be offended."
 
Hee hee. Two can play at that game. 🙂
 
Blog 4: Peeing in a cup.
 
I had to pee in a cup today. Apparently I’m old enough to have to do a urinalysis and fasting blood tests with my annual checkup.
 
The nurse gave me the key to the washroom (not in the lab but down the hall by the elevators), a pee cup AND a test tube. I had to pee in the cup and then transfer some, but not all, of my pee from the cup to the test tube. That’s much more pee handling than I normally like to do. But in true virgo fashion, I did an excellent job. Very neat and tidy.
 
And I was very pleased with my urine colour. It was very pretty – not too yellow.
 
Then I walked it back to the lab and put it in the urine sample box. Unfortunately, I was the first one tested that day so my pee was alone in the box. I like to see the other samples and compare them to mine. I like to feel urine superiority.
 
Us with Elvis         Me in London          ROTC in London
Categories: LGBT, ROTC

So many blogs… so little time.

July 3, 2008 2 comments
 
Toronto Pride:
 
Last week was Toronto Pride. Normally, for me to stay away for the evening parties the DS would have to pump me full of Red Bull. This year, I went to Phoenix to give a safety training session during the week leading up to the pride weekend so my internal clock was three hours behind. For 10 days I did not go to bed before 2am Toronto time. This week, I’m really paying for it though. Getting up for work really is difficult. Yikes.
 
The parade was the best yet. We won the Most Fabulous Choreography for the parade. Here is a video that was taken early in the route so there aren’t many observers yet. I already emailed this to some of you so don’t watch it again if I sent it to you. It’s the same video. I’m the marcher in the front and on the right (when looking at me from behind).
 
 
After the parade, we hung around on Church St and people watched. At one point, RY and I decided to share a funnel cake so we got in line. We were in line for almost an hour and when we were two people from the front of the line, the vendor told us that they ran out of propane and it would take 20 minutes to get another tank. Of course. We decided that we were not meant to have funnel cake.
 
Instead, we went to a restaurant for beer and real food. We stayed there until about 2am. RY kept going to the bathroom and complaining because they were filthy. Then I would go 10 minutes later and they would be freshly cleaned. This happened twice at the same restaurant. We were also swarmed with nice partiers who were telling us how beautiful we were all night. They were great fun and very sweet. One gentleman, Michael, who I assumed to be gay but could be wrong, told me I was beautiful and asked if I were 100% lesbian. I said yes. Then he asked to sit on my lap so he could talk to RY. I let him because, hey, it’s Pride. He then told her she was beautiful and asked if she was 100% lesbian. She said yes. I love Pride. I’m adding them as friends to my Facebook… if I can find the piece of paper I wrote her name on… there was a lot happening that day – I can’t keep track of everything.
 
Luckily, I took Monday off and Tuesday was a holiday so I had time  to recover from the madness.
 
A Good Thing About RY:
 
She vacuumed my place on Monday! Can you believe that? And she actually seemed to enjoy it. I so hate to vacuum. God bless her.
 
And I do not have a pic of RY yet that I can show you. Oddly, we didn’t take any at Pride. But we’re going up to Algonquin so we’ll take some pics then. (RY rented a luxury cottage for her parents for their anniversay and they gave it back to her for her and I to use. Sweet! I’ve never been. I’m so excited.)
 
Homeowner Pain:
 
I finally have some spare cash so, of course, my dishwasher crapped out. Sigh. Last year I had to get a new stove, this year is dishwasher. Do refrigerators die?
 
I also had something else I wanted to mention, but can’t remember what.
 

I’m gayer than I look.

June 20, 2008 2 comments
 
Earlier this month I attended a straight soccer buddy’s wedding. It was very hot. In fact, it was the day after the Streetsville parade.
 
At the reception, a different soccer buddy’s husband sat beside me. I have been with the team for about 5 years and he’s been to a good number of the games – probably all the home games. Plus he has seen me perform at three different Brampton Santa Claus parades with my flag twirling group, "the Righteously Outrageous Twirling Corp".
 
At the reception he asked me how the Streetsville parade went. I told him it was REALLY hot. Way to hot to twirl in fact.
 
He said, "Couldn’t you have just not showed up? It’s not like you get paid for this."
 
I replied, "Actually, we DO get paid for it. It’s just the pride parades we don’t get paid for."
 
Then there was this pause as he looked a little nervous and shy and then said very cautiously, "you mean…. the… homosexual pride parades?"
 
He he. Who uses the word "homosexual" anymore?
 
I said, "yes, the gay pride parades".
 
He said, "how do you switch back and forth?"
 
Oh my. I told him we were a gay group then asked if he noticed the rainbow flags on our truck. He said he hadn’t. Poor man didn’t have a clue I was gay. And I was sitting there beside him wearing a shirt, tie and vest.
 
Well, I guess he’s a step ahead of my great-auntie Jean. He knows I’m female…. I think.

How much creative license do I get?

April 28, 2008 Leave a comment
 
My cousin, Mark, is getting married in Calgary this weekend. I am flying home for it.
 
Today he asked if I would do a reading at the church service. I pondered the fun I could have as a lesbian – I would pretend there was a force field around the altar that wouldn’t let me through, then touch the bible to open it and pretend that it burned me. And then I would speak in tongues. My mother would be appalled.
 
But it turns out I’m reading a poem. It rhymes. I’m having trouble with that. I asked Mark if he was married (pardon the pun) to the rhyme and if so, maybe we could go with something more now like something from Freddy Mercury. Imagine the impact of "thunderbolts of lightning, very very frightening". I could pull that off. It would rock.
 
Of course, there is always danger of the blasphemy of being a lesbian in a church reading something that reaks of gay camp. I told my cousin I’d wear something non-flammable in the case of divine retribution. He was fine with that. He also said he hoped I wouldn’t be struck by lightning but would bring marshmallows and hot dogs just in case.
 
<Aside: I used to be better behaved in churches but I personally blame the new pope. I’m sure it has something to do with him. Don’t even get me started on the sin of pollution. What about the sin of improper lane changes or taking two seats on the subway?! What about those sins?>
Categories: Family, LGBT