Home > Food & Things That Make Me Fat > Two out of four ain’t bad

Two out of four ain’t bad

As you know, the wife and I went vegetarian in January. Although summer has brought the added challenge of smelling delicious BBQ every time we go outdoors, we have been doing ok. We just tell ourselves that the delicious smells coming from the BBQ are broccoli skewers dipped in sauce.

Also, our friend Dan cooked up some delicious portabella mushrooms that tasted just like steak! It was some kind of food magic.

Unfortunately, some tummy issues I have been having seem to be pointing toward lactose intolerance. This is a problem. Here is an example of my meals prior to this discovery:

Breakfast – Coffee double double and oatmeal with Greek yoghurt.

Lunch – Something with cheese.

Supper – Something else with cheese.

When you add lactose intolerance to that, your grocery list becomes severely limited. We were buying kitty litter, breakfast pitas and tic tacs. When I mentioned this on my facebook feed, a number of helpful friends offered some tips with the most obvious one being “learn to cook”.

Instead we went to Whole Foods, which sounds healthy but upon closer examination, seems to be the repository of every kind of food substitute in the universe. If there are four food groups (dairy, fruits & veggies, meat, breads), they have substitutes for three of the four.

We decided to try the following item: Even the wife, who is NOT lactose intolerant and can have any cheesy item without repercussion, tried it.

“Mozzarella Flavoured” should have been our clue.


Satan does not have words for it. If you’ve ever heard the expression “there’s a party in my mouth”, this was the “there’s a vomit stained, spilled beer on the shag rug, tiger in the living room party aftermath in my mouth”. And that aftermath lasted 14 hours despite brushing three times and gargling with industrial strength mouth wash.

In light of the Tofurky cheese pizza fail, we also threw out the Tofurky fake pepperoni version of the pizza. That would likely become “there’s a nuclear apocalypse in my mouth”. I’m too old for these risks.

Instead I stocked up on Lactaid.


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