Archive for the ‘Food & Things That Make Me Fat’ Category

Get the rocking chair ready

May 29, 2015 1 comment

On Wednesday night the wife was in school so I was on my own for dinner. I decided to have leftover soup. You see, on the weekend I had made a delightful soup by roasting potatoes and sweet potatoes with olive oil, salt and pepper then blending them with collard greens, onions and garlic. It was YUMMY. Even the wife liked it. 

Unfortunately, when I looked in the fridge, there was none to be had. So I had something else. 

Yesterday, my beautiful wife was doing dishes (I had made spaghetti) and she went to the cupboard to get a container for the leftovers, lo and behold she found two neatly stowed containers of soup. 

Apparently I’m at the age where I’m putting perishable food in a cupboard. 

On a positive note, I lost my sunglasses a few weeks ago but now I suspect they are in the fridge. 


Wholesome eating… with cheese

March 28, 2015 1 comment

My boss suggested that I try Ezekial 4:9. Ezekial 4:9 says “Take thou unto thee wheat and barley and beans and lentils and millet and fitches and put them in one vessel and make thee bread thereof according to the number of the days that thou shalt lie upon thy side, three hundred and ninety days shalt thou eat thereof and then take thee a really big breath unto yourself as this sentence runneth over.”

It’s a bible verse and it’s bread.

In addition to being a bible verse, it’s also a bread. It’s apparently a very healthy bread – Eric and Barb, I’m looking to you to confirm. It must be refrigerated. The bread, not the bible, that is. And I’m not sure but I think eating this bread is like going to church so I’m covered there too. My grandmother will be so happy.

As I didn’t have any fitches handy, I made a recipe suggested by Mama Earth. Mama Earth delivers fresh, organic produce to our front door once a week. And although Mama Earth is a company whose employees do the delivery, I like to think that these employees are more like the mice and birds who dress Cinderella for the ball. And hopefully the big raccoon who has been lurking in our backyard.

Anyway, Mama Earth provided a recipe for Pear and Bacon Grilled Cheese with our last delivery. It has pear, bacon, cheese and jam all grilled into gooey perfection. In butter.

Still healthy? I didn’t use the bacon. And I had leftover pear, so I ate that too.

Two out of four ain’t bad

July 19, 2014 Leave a comment

As you know, the wife and I went vegetarian in January. Although summer has brought the added challenge of smelling delicious BBQ every time we go outdoors, we have been doing ok. We just tell ourselves that the delicious smells coming from the BBQ are broccoli skewers dipped in sauce.

Also, our friend Dan cooked up some delicious portabella mushrooms that tasted just like steak! It was some kind of food magic.

Unfortunately, some tummy issues I have been having seem to be pointing toward lactose intolerance. This is a problem. Here is an example of my meals prior to this discovery:

Breakfast – Coffee double double and oatmeal with Greek yoghurt.

Lunch – Something with cheese.

Supper – Something else with cheese.

When you add lactose intolerance to that, your grocery list becomes severely limited. We were buying kitty litter, breakfast pitas and tic tacs. When I mentioned this on my facebook feed, a number of helpful friends offered some tips with the most obvious one being “learn to cook”.

Instead we went to Whole Foods, which sounds healthy but upon closer examination, seems to be the repository of every kind of food substitute in the universe. If there are four food groups (dairy, fruits & veggies, meat, breads), they have substitutes for three of the four.

We decided to try the following item: Even the wife, who is NOT lactose intolerant and can have any cheesy item without repercussion, tried it.

“Mozzarella Flavoured” should have been our clue.


Satan does not have words for it. If you’ve ever heard the expression “there’s a party in my mouth”, this was the “there’s a vomit stained, spilled beer on the shag rug, tiger in the living room party aftermath in my mouth”. And that aftermath lasted 14 hours despite brushing three times and gargling with industrial strength mouth wash.

In light of the Tofurky cheese pizza fail, we also threw out the Tofurky fake pepperoni version of the pizza. That would likely become “there’s a nuclear apocalypse in my mouth”. I’m too old for these risks.

Instead I stocked up on Lactaid.


Why does “vegetarian” rhyme with “carrion”?

January 22, 2014 2 comments

For 2014, the wife and I decided to try vegetarianism. I’m from Alberta and love meat so it’s an odd thing. I also don’t like beans. People are making bets on how long we last. I put $20 down on 3 months.

Here is how the first 22 days have gone:

Day 1 – I turn to the wife and say, ‘do you want to try vegetarianism?’ and she says, ‘sure’. She likes beans so it’s less of an effort for her.

Day 2 – We discover we have lots of meat in our fridge. Those animals are already dead so we decide it would be disrespectful to throw it away. We eat three chicken breasts, a pound of ground beef, two spinach and chicken pizzas and a Stawnichy sausage ring. We leave the steaks for another day.

Day 5 – The wife has tuna. I gently point out that tuna is meat. After some discussion, she is allowed tuna. I go to the bathroom and take the tuna out of my hair.

Day 16 – We visit the in-laws. Her mother makes her famous chicken fingers. Well, that chicken is already dead so …

Day 17 – I unexpectedly show up at my work’s Lunch and Learn. They didn’t order a veggie meal for me so I take some penne with tomato sauce and ground meat and pick out the meat like a five year old.

Day 20 – I notice my leather shoes. I recognize the hypocrisy of wearing animals when I won’t eat them. I start researching how to make clothing from the cat hair that is under the couch.

Day 21 – My boss (a vegetarian) asks how it’s going and suggests we become 25% meat eaters. I ask her to define that. Apparently, we only eat meat once a week. I leave her office wondering how she became my boss with that kind of math.

Day 22 – I find a recipe for veggie lasagna for the slow cooker. I can’t find half the ingredients so I throw in the steaks.

Vegetarianism is much easier than it looks.

No wonder I like cereal for dinner…

March 1, 2012 Leave a comment

There have been a few blogs dedicated to varying degrees of un-success with respect to preparing meals at our household. Neither my wife or I are terribly interested in cooking. I likely would be if it were my only task in life and I had an ultra organized kitchen. Sadly, I have a job and a tiny kitchen with ugly cupboards.

Regardless, we do try cooking on occasion.

Most recently, the wife has been told to eat more along the “Mediterranean Diet” style by her physician. We then bought “Mediterranean Diet for Dummies” because that’s about our experience level with legumes and beans. We have also added the “Epicurious” application to our iPads, which allows us to access millions of recipes when we search by Main Ingredient, Meal/Course, Dietary Consideration, Dish Type, Season or Occasion. We are ready to cook!

Last week, we went to Costco for some kitchen catchers and came home with $500 worth of product. This product included two lovely tenderloin roasts. A search in Epicurious for “Beef” produced the recipe for “Roast Beef Tenderloin with Caesar Crust”. It looks really good and was highly rated. We went grocery shopping to pick up most of the ingredients then set about the cooking.

The recipe called for “fresh breadcrumbs made from day old white bread”. The wife interpreted that as “day old bread”. I said we had breadcrumbs already – they just weren’t fresh. The wife opted for “fresh” over “breadcrumbs”. <Aside: I also never knew “breadcrumbs” was one word until today.>

We also needed finely grated lemon zest. The wife bought two lemons, said she didn’t know what lemon zest was and told me to grate 4 teaspoons. I said that it was the rind… or was it? Now I was doubting myself. We googled. It was rind. I grated 4 teaspoons (or “tsp” as the experts say).

Then the wife handed me two heads of garlic and says “Chop these finely. We need two cloves.” I hand one head back and say, “This is a head.” I show her a clove. “This is a clove.” She laughs and says she would have used both heads.

We then add fresh grated Parmesan, mayonnaise, dijon mustard, Worcestershire sauce and black pepper to that. The instructions say to pulse this in a “small food processor”. I do not have a “small food processor”. I do have a blender.

Apparently those ingredients don’t like being blended. Especially the raw bread. I press the button and nothing moves. So I open the lid and stick in a wooden spatula. That was a bad idea. I now have half a wooden spatula.

The wife says we have to start over. I say I think I can pull the chunks out. The wife assembles the chunks and they do not form a complete wooden spatula. We start over. Luckily we have enough ingredients, except for the freshly grated Parmesan. We dig in the fridge and find some Kraft Parmesan. It’s best before date is 2008. As we only need 2/3 cup and we had about 1/2 cup of the fresh stuff, we used it anyway.  Maybe it ages like wine – cheddar does. The wife threw the rest of the container out. We also used real bread crumbs this time instead of day old bread.

The blender still doesn’t work.

I use a hand mixer (the kind you use for smoothies) and it works out fine. We coated the meat as directed (refer to photo) and put it in the oven.

We’re a little worried as it says “Roast until crust is golden brown and an internal thermometer reads 110-115 F, 30-40 minutes” and we usually cook roast that size for 2hrs. We don’t own a meat thermometer.

We checked it at 40 minutes and although it’s golden brown on the outside, it’s still pretty pink in the inside. I’m very worried. Luckily, Costco roasts come in twos.

And no other food has been cooked – no veggies, no lentils, no nothing. This is the worst Mediterranean recipe ever.

Next recipe: Morning Glory Breakfast Bars – no Parmesan, breadcrumbs or lemon zest… but it does have “liquid honey”. Is that normal honey?


This spatula gave its life for the roast...

The 3-hr dinner.

June 25, 2011 2 comments

Yesterday the wife and I took the day off (technically she took the week off and I just took Friday). We spent the day running errands and on the way home I suggested we pick up a little $20 Hibachi-type charcoal bbq and a couple of steaks and have us a bbq. We figured it would be a nice evening dinner with very little effort or cost because:

  • We had a Home Hardware gift card that would cover most of the bbq cost.
  • We had charcoal briquettes from when were trying to get the smell of cat/dog out of the guest room.

We just needed some lighter fluid and a couple steaks and we’d be having a nice meal on a fine Friday evening.

Well, Home Hardware did not have a little charcoal bbq with lid and the nasty one they did have was $35. So we decided to see what WalMart had since we needed to go there for other things anyway.

Aside: We do not generally support WalMart as the wife has informed me that it is oppressive, but sometimes you just have to get it at WalMart. Our apologies.

Anyway, we picked up a little bbq for $22. Then the wife decided we needed a scraper to clean the grill and a lighter… and an In Touch magazine… $35

We got home about 5:30 and I proceeded to unbox the bbq. It had over 100 parts and three pages of instructions.

The wife started making baby potatoes and skewers of peppers while I assembled the darn thing. It took over an hour (counting the break I had to take to tie the wife into the corset she was trying on for the Pimps ‘n Ho’s party we are attending tonight).

Then I lit the briquettes and waited for them to turn. Well, I overshot the time needed to get the coals going and the bbq was losing heat by the time I put the steaks on. This actually worked out well. They were pretty thick and the wife does not like her meat bloody so having less heat worked in our favour. I’m pretending this mistake was not a mistake but was an actual plan to accommodate the thickness of the meat. Accidental brilliance is still brilliance 🙂

The steaks were perfectly done as were the peppers. Granted, it was now 8:30 and we had already eaten the potatoes and corn an hour earlier.

Some day I swear, we will have a nice meal where all the food is served at the same time. I’m sure we’ll have more time to figure it out when the baby comes.

Multi-purpose Food

August 26, 2010 Leave a comment
I went to Aveda the other day to pick up some fancy damage control product for the woman. She has a lot of hair and requires a myriad of products to tame it.
The clerk gave me samples of shampoo to try. I read the label. It said "with quinoa proteins". Coincidentally, I just had quinoa for lunch. I didn’t realize I could shampoo with it.
It IS listed as a superfood because it has many benefits but I originally thought they were all nutritional.
I’m going to see if it can get the smell of cat out of the guest room.