Archive for the ‘The Wife (previously RY)’ Category

A water engineer babysits toddlers…

April 15, 2015 Leave a comment

My water bill came in. During the last billing period, we used 66 L/day more than we have ever used in the past. Over the 95 day billing period, that’s 6,270 L of water!


It would take two of these trucks to hold all the water my nephews consumed in 8 days. These trucks weigh 12.5 tonnes each. My nephews weigh less than 100 lbs combined. I’m going to start bringing them to fires.


At first I thought that there must be a leak. I checked the meter, no leak. Perhaps the volume was estimated? Nope, it was an actual read. Maybe they underestimated the previous period so this period was compensating? No.

Then I pondered what was different during this billing period… the nephews! We had the wife’s nephews over twice during that billing period for 4 days each time. I had to figure out how two wee toddlers could consume 6,000+ L of water:

  • I did 4 extra loads of laundry = 175 L x 4 = 700L
  • We didn’t have spare sippy cups etc so hand washing/rinsing those, rinsing toothbrushes and other running water tasks = 10 L / minute x 5 min/day x 8 days = 400 L
  • Input: They drank maybe 5 servings of water per kid per day = 250 mL x 5 x 2 x 8 = 20 L
  • Output: One toddler is toilet trained resulting in 6 L / flush x 8 flushes / day x 8 days = 384 L

At this point in the tally, we accounted for 1,504 L. That just left bathing. My wife was in charge of baths and she was looking pretty guilty. As it turns out, she bathed them twice a day at full volume. A standard tub can hold about 250 L so even assuming she only filled it to 225 L x 2 baths / day x 8 days = 3,600 L.

Now the total is 5,104 L. I still have over 1,000 L of water still unaccounted for. I suspect they are selling it to my neighbours while I’m at work. The guy across the road has been washing his truck a lot lately.

My wife is no longer in charge of baths. And the older child is going back in diapers.


Why does “vegetarian” rhyme with “carrion”?

January 22, 2014 2 comments

For 2014, the wife and I decided to try vegetarianism. I’m from Alberta and love meat so it’s an odd thing. I also don’t like beans. People are making bets on how long we last. I put $20 down on 3 months.

Here is how the first 22 days have gone:

Day 1 – I turn to the wife and say, ‘do you want to try vegetarianism?’ and she says, ‘sure’. She likes beans so it’s less of an effort for her.

Day 2 – We discover we have lots of meat in our fridge. Those animals are already dead so we decide it would be disrespectful to throw it away. We eat three chicken breasts, a pound of ground beef, two spinach and chicken pizzas and a Stawnichy sausage ring. We leave the steaks for another day.

Day 5 – The wife has tuna. I gently point out that tuna is meat. After some discussion, she is allowed tuna. I go to the bathroom and take the tuna out of my hair.

Day 16 – We visit the in-laws. Her mother makes her famous chicken fingers. Well, that chicken is already dead so …

Day 17 – I unexpectedly show up at my work’s Lunch and Learn. They didn’t order a veggie meal for me so I take some penne with tomato sauce and ground meat and pick out the meat like a five year old.

Day 20 – I notice my leather shoes. I recognize the hypocrisy of wearing animals when I won’t eat them. I start researching how to make clothing from the cat hair that is under the couch.

Day 21 – My boss (a vegetarian) asks how it’s going and suggests we become 25% meat eaters. I ask her to define that. Apparently, we only eat meat once a week. I leave her office wondering how she became my boss with that kind of math.

Day 22 – I find a recipe for veggie lasagna for the slow cooker. I can’t find half the ingredients so I throw in the steaks.

Vegetarianism is much easier than it looks.

Getting older…

July 15, 2013 1 comment

So this is a senior moment conversation with my wife. She was upstairs. I was downstairs:

Me: Can you bring down a thing of Lysol wipes when you come down?
Wife: Sure.
<Short time passes>
Wife: Where is it?
Me: In the linen closet.
Wife: Why is your phone in the linen closet?
Me: It’s not.
<More time passes>
Wife: What did you ask me for?

But I take solace in the fact that we’re not REALLY old. If we were REALLY old, my phone would actually be in the linen closet.

5k… the k stands for ‘crazy’.

July 11, 2013 Leave a comment

The wife and I have signed up for a 5k Scotiabank run in October to raise money for her work. The wife wanted 10k but there didn’t seem to be one.

Also, we saw two zombie movies on the weekend (Zombieland and World War Z) and those zombies were very fast. Not the caffeine-deprived, laggardly ones I routinely encounter in the Resident Evil franchise.  These ones are the cheetahs of the zombie world. I would not survive an apocalypse with cheetah zombies. I need to get faster… or at least faster than the wife. She just did 18k in two hours in someone else’s shoes just because she felt like walking home from downtown Toronto though so unless the zombies take her by surprise, they’ll get me first.

Which leads me to training for this charity run. I started by drinking a Bolthouse Farms Vanilla Chai Tea. It has 18g protein and 646mg calcium. Good start. I’m not actually running until tonight but I didn’t want to run with a full bladder. That would slow down my time.

Step 2 was investigating running apps for iPhone. My virgo engineer brain only enjoys what I can track and graph. I found out that I already have a running app that I enjoy very much: Zombies, run! I think it was running from zombies that put me in the hospital last year. Despite this, I will use it again. The wife is greatly entertained when I suddenly accelerate to escape an imaginary zombie hoard.

Step 3 was downloading the race app on my iPhone so I could track my fundraising efforts. So far, the wife has raised more money but that’s good. While she’s distracted by her fundraising achievements, I’ll get a head start on the race and leave her behind with the Scotiabank zombies.

The final step for today’s training regimen was writing this blog.

Looks like I’m ready to race… No wait – I need new running shoes…

The old bait and switch routine

November 19, 2012 Leave a comment

I was first introduced to my wife via that internet thingamajig. When I saw her photo I thought, ‘now that woman likely teaches Kindergarten and makes quiches.’ Very wholesome thoughts ran through my head.

Then I later met her in person and discovered that this woman does not teach kindergarten, nor does she make quiche. She is the deadliest of all women: the femme fatale. And she mixes a mean chocolate martini.

So of course, I did what any boring, nerdy, Virgo engineer would do. I married her.

We have told the story about how wholesome and quiche-like she seemed to be and everyone laughs. I get mocked relentlessly for being so naive.

But the joke’s on you. Last weekend, she made me quiche.

Brought to you by the letter P… and possibly the letters TMI

November 5, 2012 3 comments

I’ve been struggling with endometriosis for ages. I had surgery in January to get rid of the last bit of internal organ that could contribute to the endo pain but the pain still returned. Another surgery was scheduled for November 1 (ie: last week).

I consulted with an endo specialist (thanks to the wife recommending I seek a second opinion) and the endo specialist strongly recommended against the November surgery and instead suggested a specialized form of physiotherapy for reducing the adhesion and scar tissue effects. So that is what we did.

At my first physio appointment, she asked me to keep a 4 day log of my bladder output – how often and how much.

Now, I’m an old lady who has had three abdominal surgeries. It showed in my log. I produced only 25mL-100mL each time. Once I hit the motherload with 200mL.  It was very depressing. I asked my family doc what was “normal” and she said 250-300mL.

Those of you who know my wife know how competitive she can be. She would read my log every day and check my progress. Then one day, I received the following photo in a text message from her. She produced over 300mL and the accompanying text message said “and I wasn’t even trying!”


My wife’s bladder is an overachiever.

She gets a gold medal for trying

August 4, 2012 Leave a comment

This is a conversation between me and the wife this morning.

Wife: Today is the best day to watch the Olympics. They have the best events.
Me: Like what?
Wife: Running.
Me: What kind?
Wife: 100m
Me: What else?
Wife: Bowling.

She was doing so well.