No wonder I like cereal for dinner…

There have been a few blogs dedicated to varying degrees of un-success with respect to preparing meals at our household. Neither my wife or I are terribly interested in cooking. I likely would be if it were my only task in life and I had an ultra organized kitchen. Sadly, I have a job and a tiny kitchen with ugly cupboards.

Regardless, we do try cooking on occasion.

Most recently, the wife has been told to eat more along the “Mediterranean Diet” style by her physician. We then bought “Mediterranean Diet for Dummies” because that’s about our experience level with legumes and beans. We have also added the “Epicurious” application to our iPads, which allows us to access millions of recipes when we search by Main Ingredient, Meal/Course, Dietary Consideration, Dish Type, Season or Occasion. We are ready to cook!

Last week, we went to Costco for some kitchen catchers and came home with $500 worth of product. This product included two lovely tenderloin roasts. A search in Epicurious for “Beef” produced the recipe for “Roast Beef Tenderloin with Caesar Crust”. It looks really good and was highly rated. We went grocery shopping to pick up most of the ingredients then set about the cooking.

The recipe called for “fresh breadcrumbs made from day old white bread”. The wife interpreted that as “day old bread”. I said we had breadcrumbs already – they just weren’t fresh. The wife opted for “fresh” over “breadcrumbs”. <Aside: I also never knew “breadcrumbs” was one word until today.>

We also needed finely grated lemon zest. The wife bought two lemons, said she didn’t know what lemon zest was and told me to grate 4 teaspoons. I said that it was the rind… or was it? Now I was doubting myself. We googled. It was rind. I grated 4 teaspoons (or “tsp” as the experts say).

Then the wife handed me two heads of garlic and says “Chop these finely. We need two cloves.” I hand one head back and say, “This is a head.” I show her a clove. “This is a clove.” She laughs and says she would have used both heads.

We then add fresh grated Parmesan, mayonnaise, dijon mustard, Worcestershire sauce and black pepper to that. The instructions say to pulse this in a “small food processor”. I do not have a “small food processor”. I do have a blender.

Apparently those ingredients don’t like being blended. Especially the raw bread. I press the button and nothing moves. So I open the lid and stick in a wooden spatula. That was a bad idea. I now have half a wooden spatula.

The wife says we have to start over. I say I think I can pull the chunks out. The wife assembles the chunks and they do not form a complete wooden spatula. We start over. Luckily we have enough ingredients, except for the freshly grated Parmesan. We dig in the fridge and find some Kraft Parmesan. It’s best before date is 2008. As we only need 2/3 cup and we had about 1/2 cup of the fresh stuff, we used it anyway.  Maybe it ages like wine – cheddar does. The wife threw the rest of the container out. We also used real bread crumbs this time instead of day old bread.

The blender still doesn’t work.

I use a hand mixer (the kind you use for smoothies) and it works out fine. We coated the meat as directed (refer to photo) and put it in the oven.

We’re a little worried as it says “Roast until crust is golden brown and an internal thermometer reads 110-115 F, 30-40 minutes” and we usually cook roast that size for 2hrs. We don’t own a meat thermometer.

We checked it at 40 minutes and although it’s golden brown on the outside, it’s still pretty pink in the inside. I’m very worried. Luckily, Costco roasts come in twos.

And no other food has been cooked – no veggies, no lentils, no nothing. This is the worst Mediterranean recipe ever.

Next recipe: Morning Glory Breakfast Bars – no Parmesan, breadcrumbs or lemon zest… but it does have “liquid honey”. Is that normal honey?


This spatula gave its life for the roast...

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